I was really excited to read and report on this talk. I am always looking for things to help me improve in our marriage. This talk entitled Marriage: Watch and Learn gave five principles for a good marriage.
- Regard you marriage as priceless.
- Faith.
- Repentance and humility.
- Respect your spouse.
- Love your spouse with complete devotion.
First, regard your marriage as priceless. We need to believe in marriage and we need to believe that the opportunity we have to be married is a treasure. Think about it, if you don't value your marriage, you won't fight for it and you won't put in the work that a good marriage needs. Also, could you pay someone to stand by you always, to love you in your ratty pajamas and morning breath? I think not. You could pay someone to act like they loved you for a little bit, but you can't buy real love and support. So in that sense, a marriage is priceless.
The second principle has to do with faith. Elder Clayton says:
The second principle has to do with faith. Elder Clayton says:
I have observed that couples who have made their marriages priceless practice the patterns of faith: they attend sacrament and other meetings every week, hold family home evening, pray and study the scriptures together and as individuals, and pay an honest tithing. Their mutual quest is to be obedient and good.
This also reminded me of the principle of regarding your marriage as a triangle with you and your spouse at the bottom and the Lord at the top. As you and your spouse draw closer to the Lord, you and your spouse will also grow closer to each other. It makes sense from a psychology standpoint also. If you are both working toward the same goals and have the same values, it is easier to be closer emotionally and to work together as a unit.
Numbers 3 and 4 were big points for me. Number 3 is the principle of repentance. I need repentance so often in my life and I need it in marriage too. I am grateful for the grace of my Savior and I am grateful for the grace that my husband gives to me. Elder Clayton says:
Numbers 3 and 4 were big points for me. Number 3 is the principle of repentance. I need repentance so often in my life and I need it in marriage too. I am grateful for the grace of my Savior and I am grateful for the grace that my husband gives to me. Elder Clayton says:
[Repentance] is an essential element in every good marital relationship. . . Repentance helps restore and maintain harmony and peace. . . Humility is the essence of repentance. Humility is selfless, not selfish. It doesn’t demand its own way or speak with moral superiority. Instead, humility answers softly and listens kindly for understanding, not vindication. Humility recognizes that no one can change someone else, but with faith, effort, and the help of God, we can undergo our own mighty change of heart. . . Humility means that both husbands and wives seek to bless, help, and lift each other, putting the other first in every decision.
There is so much in this quote that I love. If I am humble, I don't assume that I know what my husband is talking about and get offended if I assume that he is speaking rudely toward me. I ask him to make sure I understand where he is coming from and why he said something in that way. If I want to know why he acted in a certain way, I ask him without assuming his motives. I know that I can't change my husband. I can ask him to change a behavior, but I can't make him change. The only person I have control over is myself.
The number four principle is respect. We want to be around people who respect us and respect our opinions. They may not agree, but we want respect. John Gottman is a noted psychologist who studies marriages. MentalHelp.net says:
The number four principle is respect. We want to be around people who respect us and respect our opinions. They may not agree, but we want respect. John Gottman is a noted psychologist who studies marriages. MentalHelp.net says:
In a famous study, Gottman was able to predict with over 80% accuracy the future divorces of multiple couples he and his team observed based on subtle body language cues suggesting contemptuous feelings (such as dismissive eye-rolling). Contempt doesn't have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one's relationship.
Elder Clayton also ties loyalty to respect. He encourages spouse to be "fiercely loyal" to each other. This was a lesson that I had to learn early in our marriage. We also need to be loyal in the virtual world. There should be no secrets and no web pages we do not want to share with our spouse. Elder Clayton says:
Terrific marriages are completely respectful, transparent, and loyal.
And on to number 5, the principle of love. Marriage becomes our first priority. Not kids, not jobs, not our family of origin. Our marriage and commitment to our spouse is number one. This is hard for me sometimes because I have a lot of little kids and I think that my husband should be able to take care of himself. I have to remember that the kids will be gone but my husband will still be in the house.
I was glad to read this talk and be able to evaluate where I felt my marriage was and how I could improve. I found things to improve in myself and things to improve in how I treat my husband and my marriage.
I was glad to read this talk and be able to evaluate where I felt my marriage was and how I could improve. I found things to improve in myself and things to improve in how I treat my husband and my marriage.